Friday, June 15, 2007

today is a sad day.

Gosh, it seems like this is far as I can get right now. I just wanted to let our friends and family know that right now it isn’t God’s will for us to have another baby. We went to our scheduled doctor’s appointment and ultrasound this morning, excited but also in hurry because we three were all running late. We got there only 5 minutes late, and were seen pretty quickly. As we settled into the ultrasound room, excited and trying to catch up with ourselves, it didn’t seem like long before the technician said that it didn’t look good. And right then is when time stopped and tears flowed. Ben was being so good in Dad’s lap and just watching me cry. He’s such a smart little kid, it broke my heart thinking I was subjecting him to these kinds of things. It’s like kids just know when to behave as though he somehow understands that something serious is going on. As he watched me cry he kept saying over and over “Mommy’s sad.” The words of a two year old say it better than any one else can. Not even me. I’m sad. It has been such a long time since I have cried about anything. That’s a hard thing to understand right now, because all it does is make me cry. But it’s the truth right now, and I know it will feel better later.

I’m not going to try and be profound or well spoken in anything I write today, as it is pretty much impossible for me to be right now. But I’m sad. And I just want to be able to inform all of you.

In some ways, I’m not entirely surprised. My first pregnancy was ignorant bliss, having never gone through children and pregnancy. This pregnancy was so much more emotionally charged because I have a little boy whose eyes I look into every day. First pregnancies don’t provide that. And miscarriage was never a thought in my mind, until I had close friends go through it. And I knew there was a pain there that I couldn’t reach without going through it.

Today is different. Today is a sad day.

But I know tomorrow and the following days will be better. We’re sorting through emotions, and already it has started to feel better. And I know it will take time. I learned once from a college student studying the Bible and seminary that there was a much bigger meaning behind the Hebrew word “shalom”. A lot of us know it is translated as “peace”. We all also know how so many meanings get lost in translation. He went on to say that this was one of those words. When Christ wished “shalom” to someone, he was not only saying “peace be with you”, but he was saying “peace be with you – even when peace is not around you”. It’s so easy to feel peace when your “cup hasn’t been bumped” (as one pastor of mine used to say), but to pray for the peace when there is no peace in sight – the kind that some say “passes all understanding”. That to me deepens the “thrown around” word shalom. Please keep us in your prayers. I hope that this finds you all happy and well.