napoleon’s girl.

(Note: written some time back – before my last post.)

I promise today that I will not ramble, for it isn't a "big" deal at all. But rather a "small" one. Ha! Let me make some sense.

I have realized that I am "that" girl. Not like in Eve's song, "who's that girl…..la la la la la la-la-la". I used to love that song by the way. Geez, I have already digressed. This Saturday morning began with a trip to our local coffee shop followed by a trip to our neighborhood Lowe's. We are buying all the materials for Rob to build a patio cover for our backyard. I would really love this, because it gets quite hot when Ben and I are outside. So we obviously save the big things for last – ALL THE LUMBER. Rob needs an assortment of all sorts of blah x blah x blahs – so Rob and I are lifting them end by end into the big cart. Let alone we have a shopping cart and a big cart for the 9 bags of sand for Ben's sandbox-to-be. So a big burly black guy adorning the Lowe's red vest comes and says "Here how many of those do you need? Thought you could use a bit more muscle."

Now here is the pathetic turning point. Why – oh why – do I get like this? This is the embarrassing part. I politely thank him for offering his help and then reply "I'm having a baby – otherwise I could be a tough girl."

CAN YOU BELIEVE I SAID THAT?! I feel so stupid for admitting this here – but it really got me thinking about stuff. Why did I feel like I needed to mention that? Why was I so worried about what someone thought of my strengths and capabilities? I dunno, but, man, was I worried about my dignity at the time.

In the car on the way home, I said to Rob, "I am that girl."
Here was our next exchange.

Husband: What do you mean?
Wife: I am that girl, who is so afraid about what others think.
Husband: (smirk)
Wife: What?! I just don't want him to think that because I am not tall or big, that I am a wimp! Cuz I'm not.
Husband: I know you're not.
Wife: And he should too.
Husband: Cry from Napoleon himself!
Wife: (speechless)
Husband: (another grin)
Wife: Well, in that case, I feel bad for Napoleon. People thinking that he is incapable of something just because of his size.
Wife: (feeling as though I need to continue defending myself). AND it's not like I'm doing it in a bad way. Napoleon went about it the wrong way. I'm not trying to overcompensate for it.
Husband: Wanna buy a big truck with a lift kit, too?!
Wife: I still feel bad for him.
Husband: The man who oppressed and tortured massive amounts of people?
Wife: (hmmph)

I guess we all in some way or other want to prove our worth to others. This was a moment for me, and realizing it, I should really find my self-worth through the God who created me. And as our conversation progressed in sporadic jokes – Rob asked me, "So – do you think that you could bench press as much as that guy at Lowe's?" That also got me to keep quiet. And that big burly guy was probably stronger than me in certain ways.

But I bet I could outrun him any day. (there I go again)

I guess when I really thought about it, I just didn't want him or anyone else judging me based on only what he saw.

What is it in you that you want others to know about you – that they may not know by just meeting you? What do you put out there for the world to see? When should you worry about it and when should not care about what snap judgments are made about you?

And when it really comes down to it, all you can do is put your best foot forward and promote your best features and characteristics by just being you.

I will try and work on that.

I will try to not be Napoleon's girl.