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Friday, January 18, 2008

i feel bad for God sometimes.


i feel bad for God sometimes.

The other day I received an email from a friend who has shared the news publicly that she and her husband are expecting. She also asked me if we were going to be "trying" again for another one. She also mentioned to throw any "pointers" her way regarding pregnancy and parenting. After being asked that, it really caused to me to think about this. What kind of information or suggestions would I pass on to a friend who was pregnant? You have to be careful what you say, because the weight of words can be so heavy and can leave a strong impression on people. Because I tend to get long winded, I try to nutshell many things….how do you accurately "portrait" being responsible for a human being other than yourselves? (Yes, there are many actions of others that do not reflect this careful thinking….and it is very unfortunate.)

I think what I would tell this friend to try and not be too Type A. I say this, because this approach can be too strong and it has generally kicked me in the butt many times. This is why I feel bad for God, and it all started with Adam and Eve and wanting "too much" knowledge. Unfortunately, when I get my hands on "too much" knowledge I tend to make a mess for myself. And it takes careful intention to not be like this. Before I begin to not make sense and confuse this entry, let me make myself clear about all the ways I tried to apply "too much" knowledge to my child:

1. It began with feeding. How often? How long? ETC. and that big ET CETERA could really go on forever. I kept a log for 2 months recording how often Ben nursed and for how long. Do you know that I still have the log?! I keep it as a reminder of how far I've come and as motivation to continue striving to not be so Type A.


2. Sleeping. He should be sleeping more and if he isn't, then he isn't growing enough….because early on you're told that when they sleep, they grow.


3. Then was the introduction of solid food. Then began calorie counting. Granted, I had some slightly inexperienced doctors who were also going "by the book" and told me that Ben needed to eat more, and that he should consume 1200 calories a day. (Note sarcasm: Yes, doctor, I can read too, and I have read that.) But that is a huge amount. Nevertheless, I thought that it was attainable. It wasn't, but I never gave up trying and it tore me more to pieces. Don't be like this.

4. Developmental milestones. This is one thing that probably kept me sane. Ben always meets them on time and usually exceeds them. But did I still worry that he was small? Yes. It's quite embarrassing. While I would venture to say that he is average to above in mental development, I know that there are others kids who don't do it on time. I know that if Ben was like that, I would deduce it to the fact that he was small and wasn't nutritionally getting enough.

5. Potty training – don't even ask. It will just happen as evidenced all the time!

And the list goes on....

oh, and the other years/phases/stages, I haven't even yet endured!

DO YOU SEE A TREND HERE? Control, control, control.

It wasn't until we had him screened and tested for possible reasons to why he was/is such a small kid, that I began to have more confidence in who I was as Ben's mom and in Ben's overall health. And I can assure you that if you let Type A and "what should be" take over, you will always lose. And if it isn't size, believe me, you can find any perceived problem to hone in on.

The bottom line of this admission is that when it comes right down to it, there isn't anything in your control that God isn't. Probably a big "duh" to many less stubborn people. But somehow, we get a little smart and think we know better. Which brings me to the other question that was asked of me: are we thinking about another one soon? Of course. We have been thinking about it for a year now, and now that I really understand biology so much more than I ever did, I can get a little, let's just say, fanatical. So, lately, I have been finding that I need to rethink, let's say for the sake of TMI, "cake". So, my doctor says, "I know this sounds so simple, but just 'bake cake' and don't think about it." (This should go without saying, but can you guess if said doctor is a man or a woman?!) Yes, *he* told me to just bake cake and don't think about it. While I know all this, I still somehow think that if it's going to happen, I need to make it happen. So begins charting or, umm, "perfecting cake recipes". And yet, another vicious cycle. And all the while I do this, I don't consider that the One who created me *just* might know much better than me: a) what I need, b) when I need it and c) even when I admit all of this, I will probably go and try to control it all over again.

This is why I feel bad for God sometimes. And why is there only Type A and Type B? Why isn't there a Type AB, a perfect blend of reasoning and approach?

Well, I guess that is where something Greater than myself comes in.

(...geez, God, why didn't you *just* say so?!!?!)

6 comments:

Luanne said...

Jenny - you are such a treasure. Thank you for blogging and allowing your family and friends stay in touch with you AND your feelings. : ) I love the writings and I love the honesty and often I get teary eyed when I read your entries. I won't even mention that I go into withdrawal when you don't write for a couple of weeks. It makes me miss you! Love, Luanne

Amy :) said...

Jenny,

This was a fun post! You are just so honest sometimes!! :) Matt I were chuckling about the "baking cake" part... I can't imagine alluding to that on my blog! I think my "readership" might be a *bit* shocked! :)

If I were asked to give general parenting advice, there are so many things I could say, but I think it all boils down to this.

Just love on your kids.

There isn't *one* right way to parent them--you have to find what works for your family, taking into consideration the way that you are wired AND the way your husband is wired.

And realize that you won't have it all figured out, no matter how long you're a parent... you really need God's wisdom & guidance along the way! It seems like the longer I'm a parent, the more I realize I *can't* do this on my own, and I really DO need to rely on God's strength!

It's an important job, this task of parenting, and though I'm making it sound really hard, it's also really, really fun and SO worth having kids!! :)

By the way, I'm praying that your "cake baking" is fruitful and that God sees fit to bless you with another healthy little "cake" very soon! :)

I love you!!
Amy :)

Amy :) said...

Oh, I meant "Matt & I were chuckling" in the first paragraph of my comment above! Oops! :)

lizzypph said...

I am type a and b, i did a test

Jenny Brooks said...

yes, tests are great! however, all of life is a series of tests and they are never complete, until...well, until you die, i guess. ha.

Cheyenne and John said...

Jenny,
I appreciated this post! It's nice to hear what mom's say about parenting and I like hearing the words of wisdom... I do not consider myself type A- in fact, my husband calls me a hippy. But I do feel myself wanting to learn everything possible about babies and parenting in order to be a successful mom. Hmmm.. I wonder if it's possible to be a hippy in most parts of your life and be the "dreaded" type-A with rearing a child? Goes to show how patient and loving God really is! I bet he sits up there and just shakes his head at us most of the time!