Worried that I haven't been Worrying Lately.

Ha! So I am worried about the fact that I haven't been a complete worry wart lately. Do you think there is something wrong with me?! Or is there something finally RIGHT with me? The answer lies in one of those questions, I prefer the latter one. It all began last week, when I noticed that I had been worrying less....I waited to write about it, because for all I know it could have been a random anomoly. But it seems to have occurred for days now - almost a WHOLE week. Weird. So something you must know about me for this to make any sort of sense. I confess. I have a small baby. That statement in itself was always a hard thing to vocalize, because the emotions attached with this truth have torn me apart for the majority of Ben's 14 months here on Earth. I know I am a girl, and even more, a mom, but I guarantee you that this is no exaggeration - just ask my husband, Rob. He has tried all approaches as the supportive husband, using biblical truths, common sense, rational thought - you name it, he tried it to get me to quit worrying about things I have no control over. As a side to anyone who doesn't see where I come from in terms of parenting or mothering - you do all this reading and listen to all these doctors - and size and growth are always emphasized. And rightfully so - you do the majority of growing in your childhood years. So while this topic has literally consumed me to the point of sadness and depression, lately I have finally let go of all my concerns. Is it because Ben's growing fast? Gosh, NO! He's still a runt, but in some way God has finally gotten through to me, something that I thought would never happen. (Something I am almost sure Rob would have thought would never happen.) Back to a few days ago - when it all began - I start telling Rob on the phone how I thought something had changed in my thinking. (Of course adding the disclaimer, "I am sure that I'll fall back in to worrying again in a few days, but I just have to tell you that there is no point in me worrying about things I can't change, and it's just easier to trust in God to grow Ben the way He will anyway.") He laughs! Wanna know why? Because these are things that he has been telling me all along, along with all the supportive friends and moms out there. And here I am speaking these things as if they were epiphanies! And you know what?! They WERE epiphanies to me at that moment, because while I have been hearing those things all along from Rob and friends, when you're blind to something you're blind to it, and there is no amount of support you can receive here on Earth if your heart isn't open to God. And mine wasn't, because I didn't want to release control and stop worrying....I wanted it to be my ballgame, and continued to believe that there must be something I haven't tried to make Ben a chubby baby. Do I still wish he would be bigger? Sure - but I have really come to terms that God is going to make him who He wants him to be, and I can either enjoy the person Ben is molding in to or I can be riddled with worry and fear....and by then Ben will be all grown up and I will have missed it. Ben IS a thriving and developing little boy, whether or not he is big or small...I am just now realizing that. The funny thing is that every one knew that before me, and I am the one who is with him the majority of the time.

Ben and the Chili Pepper.

If the title of this blog hasn't already scared you away - then I will have to be upset with you that you would want to read a story about MY son involving a chili pepper. Nothing good can come of this story....but I will tell it anyway....since all is OK now and he didn't die! :) So, my friend needed someone to stay at her house, while the packers were in her house packing up her house. They are getting ready for their next move in this military lifestyle, and she wanted to go and see her husband's fini flight (aka last flight here at Cannon). So Ben and I got to play with all of her little girl's toys and eat lunch there. It was a great time and all was well in the world of Ben, until my friend and her toddler daughter come home. Ben and Riley run off together, and next thing we know Ben is screaming! Since her house is either in disarray or in a box, Ben had managed to find this little pile of dried flakey stuff that was on the floor. After taking a sampling and crying and spitting - I asked my friend what this was on the floor. She said it was dried chili pepper remnants. She has a lot of red in her house, and being that we live in the southwest - I figured it was something from a dried chili pepper bunch used as great southwestern decor. So yes, my son was very unhappy and cried and drooled like no other for 15 minutes! It was horrible, but he recovered, and took a long, hard nap. Poor guy! I have to admit here that at first it was funny, but then after the heat in his mouth wouldn't quit - I really started to feel bad for this little person. Kids, let this all be a lesson to you....

Ben.

So as you may know, my son, Ben, is 14 mos. (1 year, 2 mos for those non-parents out there - someday you will reference age in months!) Anyway....he is such an individual and has so much character. A trait of his that is easily apparent to even people who don't know him very well, is that he is EXTREMELY independent. He is a hands on, first hand experience-type child. Rarely does he want to sit in your lap or snuggle. In a nutshell, he is either sleeping or in motion. He certainly is a sweet boy though, and loves to be chased and laughed with. Lately we have been working on walking as long as he is holding your hand, and not running off. So far it has been going well, but the hand is key. If he's holding your hand, he'll go in desired direction...if he's not - well the opposite holds true. So today, we were on base doing a few errands, and I have really started to notice something. While he is friendly to most people (he pretty much introduces himself to anyone), he has shown a unique fondness for men and women in service dress - especially a flight suit! Today we were leaving the military clothing sales dept and a man in BDUs walked out after us. Let me mention - Ben and I were NOT holding hands - so he naturally gravitated to this man waving at him. It was THE cutest thing - and totally melted my heart, probably because Rob has been gone and will be home in a few days! (He's in Canada, eh?) So.....holding hands was now enforced. However, Ben continued to direct his gaze while this man walked clear across the street, got into his truck, started it, put it in drive and drove away. Ben was watching so persistently and obviously that the man was waving out the window as he was driving away in the opposite direction. I apologize for the silly story, but it's those moments for me that really make my heart overflow with love for Ben. And it's those moments that are crucial to any parent, who gets stuck in the monotony of parenthood. Anyone who knows me pretty well, knows how I tend to do more worrying over my child than positive thinking. I know that my worrying comes from a good place, but it does not condone that worrying. That worrying takes the place of all the joy and happiness I could be experiencing with Ben from our God who made us and loves us. So, I plan to remember that truth for the next time my troubled heart wants to rule....(which could very well happen as soon as I click the "preview & post" button!)

my personal underworld.

My personal wha? Yes, the underworld. So - my husband - whom I love dearly, which is usually why I tease him so. He is a computer guy. I say, "honey, I am just not an internet person, what do you do on there?" He replies, "I don't know - just look up stuff." Hmmmm....you've got me here. I live in Clovis, a small town with not a lot of retail venues...so sometimes, I get on the internet and "window" shop at my favorite stores. The usual....Ann Taylor, Loft, Old Navy, Gap, etc. However, Rob is really big in to airplanes (go figure) so he is part of this forum type thing called F16.net. There is a wide spectrum of people on this site - probably a few pilots, people who work with military aircraft, and probably people who are mostly just airplane junkies. So with all this being said - I have been known to tease him about this FREQUENTLY saying "how is the 'underworld' today?" I am going to announce that I now have no reason to tease him as I am now enjoying my own slice of ridicule and I owe it all to MySpace and the person who introduced me to this thing....(you know who you are). Every day I tell myself, "today I will not become a MySpace junkie." So far, it has worked, but I must keep the habit in check. After all I still want to be able to tease my husband asking him how the underworld is doing. While Rob does not have a MySpace account, I doubt he ever will, I am publicly announcing in the name of love and humility that I am sorry for giving him a hard time about his "underworld" when my own internet underworld has seemingly emerged. I suppose we all have our vices.

Reason to run.

So....like I said before, I am NOT competitive....but when I was large and in charge (aka - pregnant and hormonal) I would still drag my large and in charge self to the gym on base....And when J Lo's video "Get Right" was on MTV I would actually feel sexy and tough! The beat and dancing would actually make me think for a split second (literally) that I was as tough and hot as Jennifer Lopez in that video! Ha! .....I said split second, okay?! Annnnnnyyyywaaaaaaaayyyy....so I would do the elliptical for an hour and most every time I was there, there was this girl, petite, probably near the same age, black sweats and sweatshirt (old school Raiders to be precise). Well, this girl would run the treadmill for the entire hour I was on a silly little "pretend like you're running, but you're not, pansy elliptical." Don't worry I am not dissing the elliptical - it is a great machine! From that moment on, I decided that when I was done being large and in charge and was no longer two, but one - I would start running and an hour would be my goal. Now - while I have not run a complete hour yet (51 minutes and 5.3 miles are my longest and furthest), I still don't know about running the treadmill for that long. 20 minutes feels like 2 hours on that thing, and I would never be able to wear sweats the whole time, nor do I think that is very healthy. After that tangent, there is also another reason I run....I don't have to drive a whole stinking 10 miles to base. Yes, it's a small town - 10 miles is the other side of town. After having a child and learning that your child occupies a lot of your time (I can't even begin to imagine multiples at this point) it just wasn't worth the effort. I liked the idea of running because all I had to do was put on shoes and step outside! It was great...that was until I started getting bad cranky knees. I don't know what the medical term for this is - other than the fact that I was having some really bad joint pain to the point where I felt like I could literally not run another moment. The Flight Doc said it was some like "patellofemoral syndrome" aka runner's knee. Yeah right, like an uncompetitive, unathletic person could develop something that sounded so technical. Whatever...so he tells me to basically home remedy it before taking any more aggressive action (ie physical therapy). He suggests all these crazy things like: tylenol, icing, stretching.... :) You know .... warming up and stuff? Crazy thinking, I know. I thought to myself, "Wait a second, the whole reason I chose running was to save time, because it was quicker, I didn't have to drive to the gym, and all I had to do was go outside. Now I am supposed to ice my knee and stretch?!! What has this world come to that you have to warm up before you exercise?! Come on!" So, long story longer - I still have episodes, but just taking it a little easier and a steady pace have helped a lot.

5K - as in distance, not money

So - I guess I should have written this post on the day I ran it, but I am posting it as the date it happened - it's just that now the feeling of excitement is over (what little of it there was!) So - yeah - I ran my first competitive run and finished 3rd for women. I was pretty excited and my medal has become a fun new toy for Ben, which is reason alone to be glad I ran it. To be honest - at least half of the people who showed up were walkers, and it was a run sponsored by Fellowship of Christian Athletes - a national high school club. The run was for baby Cade who received a liver transplant - and the surgery was successful! The run itself was a new experience for me. A couple of things you should know - 1) I have never been an athletic person, and probably am still not now and 2) because of number 1 I have never really competed. (I know, a big "duh" right?) Having said this - it was a new experience, primarily because I have never really run with others. I have been running on my own since Ben was born (the reason for this has its own little story - I will explain in my next blog entry) a little over a year ago, and I have always found myself to run my best when I am alone. I find myself in my own little world, and I do my best when it's just me and I am not focused on anyone else and how they are doing. It's just me (& not Ben - as much as I love him to pieces), feeling great, enjoying the outdoors, talking to God and so on. So - while I still have these thoughts of running a marathon or a half marathon, I am not sure how I would do. Since I shouldn't base my conclusions on one experience, I will have to try again....and maybe this next time I will just imagine it is me (& not Ben - as much as I love him to pieces), feeling great, enjoying the outdoors, and talking to God and so on.....