Worried that I haven't been Worrying Lately.

Ha! So I am worried about the fact that I haven't been a complete worry wart lately. Do you think there is something wrong with me?! Or is there something finally RIGHT with me? The answer lies in one of those questions, I prefer the latter one. It all began last week, when I noticed that I had been worrying less....I waited to write about it, because for all I know it could have been a random anomoly. But it seems to have occurred for days now - almost a WHOLE week. Weird. So something you must know about me for this to make any sort of sense. I confess. I have a small baby. That statement in itself was always a hard thing to vocalize, because the emotions attached with this truth have torn me apart for the majority of Ben's 14 months here on Earth. I know I am a girl, and even more, a mom, but I guarantee you that this is no exaggeration - just ask my husband, Rob. He has tried all approaches as the supportive husband, using biblical truths, common sense, rational thought - you name it, he tried it to get me to quit worrying about things I have no control over. As a side to anyone who doesn't see where I come from in terms of parenting or mothering - you do all this reading and listen to all these doctors - and size and growth are always emphasized. And rightfully so - you do the majority of growing in your childhood years. So while this topic has literally consumed me to the point of sadness and depression, lately I have finally let go of all my concerns. Is it because Ben's growing fast? Gosh, NO! He's still a runt, but in some way God has finally gotten through to me, something that I thought would never happen. (Something I am almost sure Rob would have thought would never happen.) Back to a few days ago - when it all began - I start telling Rob on the phone how I thought something had changed in my thinking. (Of course adding the disclaimer, "I am sure that I'll fall back in to worrying again in a few days, but I just have to tell you that there is no point in me worrying about things I can't change, and it's just easier to trust in God to grow Ben the way He will anyway.") He laughs! Wanna know why? Because these are things that he has been telling me all along, along with all the supportive friends and moms out there. And here I am speaking these things as if they were epiphanies! And you know what?! They WERE epiphanies to me at that moment, because while I have been hearing those things all along from Rob and friends, when you're blind to something you're blind to it, and there is no amount of support you can receive here on Earth if your heart isn't open to God. And mine wasn't, because I didn't want to release control and stop worrying....I wanted it to be my ballgame, and continued to believe that there must be something I haven't tried to make Ben a chubby baby. Do I still wish he would be bigger? Sure - but I have really come to terms that God is going to make him who He wants him to be, and I can either enjoy the person Ben is molding in to or I can be riddled with worry and fear....and by then Ben will be all grown up and I will have missed it. Ben IS a thriving and developing little boy, whether or not he is big or small...I am just now realizing that. The funny thing is that every one knew that before me, and I am the one who is with him the majority of the time.