Patiently waiting….?
Or silently distracting? That has been a recent question on my mind. Are they two separate actions or are they synonymous? A matter of semantics or truly different? I believe that in some way or another, we are all faced with this question, but because of different reasons and seasons.
Many of you know that a while back we were eagerly expecting a second child. And as it would happen, God had different plans for us. While a lot of the healing has taken place, there is still a void, a sadness, a yearning in this area. While we were ending a fun vacation to Florida and traveling home, Rob and I had a *discussion*. Let me preface this first. While we were in Florida with my best friend and roommate from college, she and I decided to do a half marathon in Memphis. At first it began as an innocent conversation, and then minutes later it turned into "yes, let's do it!" Her husband just started a college football coaching job and she really thought it would be a great thing to keep her busy for the times that he was busy getting in to the groove with his new job. And I thought it would be great thing to do with a friend I have been close to for 10 years, and figured, "what the hey?! It would be fun to do while, we are working toward another pregnancy. And the doctor advised waiting a few months anyway before trying again." The race is the first of December, and we wouldn't have to "wait" that much longer to start trying, but I thought to myself that it's only a little longer to wait.
While we're traveling back to Sippi, Rob responds to something I said about the race, "You just baffle me." Over the course of the discussion I realized that my actions were confusing him. He felt that my decision to run in December conflicted with the idea of "trying" again. And in some ways, it really did come across as talking out of both sides of my mouth until I explained some of my feelings. He also felt some concern for my friend, if we did get pregnant before the race, it might have be a disappointment for her. That it would be unfair to a friend. When it came down to it, I told him that it scared me to think about miscarrying again. And in some ways, I thought focusing my attention on something else would relieve me of any pressures or anxiety about trying again. I didn't want to just assume that it would be easy to get pregnant again, or that it was going to come to fruition. He said to me, "What makes you think it's not going to happen again?" I told him it wasn't that I didn't think it was going to happen again, but that I just didn't want to get my hopes up. The next response from Rob really hit me deep, "You're afraid that this will happen again. You can't live in fear."
Or silently distracting? That has been a recent question on my mind. Are they two separate actions or are they synonymous? A matter of semantics or truly different? I believe that in some way or another, we are all faced with this question, but because of different reasons and seasons.
Many of you know that a while back we were eagerly expecting a second child. And as it would happen, God had different plans for us. While a lot of the healing has taken place, there is still a void, a sadness, a yearning in this area. While we were ending a fun vacation to Florida and traveling home, Rob and I had a *discussion*. Let me preface this first. While we were in Florida with my best friend and roommate from college, she and I decided to do a half marathon in Memphis. At first it began as an innocent conversation, and then minutes later it turned into "yes, let's do it!" Her husband just started a college football coaching job and she really thought it would be a great thing to keep her busy for the times that he was busy getting in to the groove with his new job. And I thought it would be great thing to do with a friend I have been close to for 10 years, and figured, "what the hey?! It would be fun to do while, we are working toward another pregnancy. And the doctor advised waiting a few months anyway before trying again." The race is the first of December, and we wouldn't have to "wait" that much longer to start trying, but I thought to myself that it's only a little longer to wait.
While we're traveling back to Sippi, Rob responds to something I said about the race, "You just baffle me." Over the course of the discussion I realized that my actions were confusing him. He felt that my decision to run in December conflicted with the idea of "trying" again. And in some ways, it really did come across as talking out of both sides of my mouth until I explained some of my feelings. He also felt some concern for my friend, if we did get pregnant before the race, it might have be a disappointment for her. That it would be unfair to a friend. When it came down to it, I told him that it scared me to think about miscarrying again. And in some ways, I thought focusing my attention on something else would relieve me of any pressures or anxiety about trying again. I didn't want to just assume that it would be easy to get pregnant again, or that it was going to come to fruition. He said to me, "What makes you think it's not going to happen again?" I told him it wasn't that I didn't think it was going to happen again, but that I just didn't want to get my hopes up. The next response from Rob really hit me deep, "You're afraid that this will happen again. You can't live in fear."
While I knew he was right, I just thought focusing my attention and keeping busy would help me to "wait patiently" for when the time is right. And when the decision to run was made, it really did seem like a good idea! After confirming circumstances about the race with my dear friend, Emily, and sorting emotions with Rob, it still remains a good idea and a planned event!
But my question to you is this:
Is it really "waiting patiently" if you're busily distracting yourselves with activities, sports, work, etc.? Whether it's a topic of family, children, job, career, Mr. Right, Mrs. Right – where is the healthy balance of just waiting in peace knowing that there is a time for everything and busy spinning to make the time go by faster? Or are they really one in the same thing? Think about the adage: a watched pot never boils! It implies that not watching it will make it boil, right? J
Do you think that sometimes it's necessary to just be able to wait patiently without spinning yourself in other directions?
What are you waiting for in your life right now? What step are you waiting to take? Should you truly just wait patiently or keep you mind occupied?
What do you think?
I did find out that asking myself these questions, helped me really sort out the naked, black and white issues. Rob caused me to think deeper into my sometimes hasty decisions. I have a personality that sometimes requires that I think a little bit more before it reaches my mouth. (My in-laws refer to this as not having a "filter".) I also know that you have to be able to let go of control (NOT ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS TO DO) and *let* that time go by…however fast or slow it will.
The run is definitely a "go" and if it turns out that we're pregnant before then, then I consider the race fee to St. Jude's a small donation for a big cause…and a chance to cheer my best friend on!
7 of us gals *waiting patiently* for our "buns" to bake.
the 3 of us - after *waiting patiently* for 9 months to meet each other.
me - after *waiting patiently* for race results.
(hey, when you're tired - all you want to do is get out of there!
not wait for every one else to finish....although that's kinda important.)
2 comments:
I think they are synonymous. When I am at work and I am waiting on something, I don't just sit there and wait- I do something else. Why do I always have my knitting in my bag, so I can patiently wait- wait in the Sprint store for them to fix my phone, wait for my plane at the airport, wait in traffic. For me I can't patiently wait without having a slient distraction.
Rob may be right about you being afraid, but who isn't afraid of life sometimes? I am afriad of looking for a new job, because what if I get terminated again? I am afraid of making the wrong decision when it comes to love- but you learn and you become a stronger person and life is somtimes about being afriad and getting hurt. And I guess if you flip it, everyone is patiently waiting to get hurt again, while being silently distracted.
Jenny,
I think it's allright to "distract" yourself when you're waiting for something. When I was wanting so badly to get pregnant with Joshua, it was taking so much longer than with the rest of the kids. I started being trained to be a Bradley natural childbirth instructor, and it helped distract me. Didn't take away what I was waiting for, but it definitely helped. Once my attention was somewhere else, I got pregnant. :)
When Jessica died, Matt said we should wait 6 months before trying to get pregnant again. That was a LONG 6 months!! It might have been nice to have a distraction, but really I think just living my way through the pain & the grief of her death was what I needed to do then.
Which is not to say that running that race in December is a bad thing. It might be just what you need to focus on something else, to hand God the thing you fear the most right now: having another baby die. It's just something you can't control, but He is big enough to hold onto that for you. And He loves you more than anyone else does!! :)
I don't think that the miscarriage was God saying He didn't want you to have another baby right now. I think that God's plan was for pregnancies to go according to plan, for babies to live long, healthy lives. But there is sin in this world, and that's why bad things happen. He is here with us, carrying us through it all. When Jessica died, thinking about it that way helped me *so* much. :)
Okay, I'm done writing my "book" now, so I'll let you go. I enjoyed reading this post today... keep the thought-provoking posts coming!!
Amy :)
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